


Unspoken

by fancyasscheeseballs (girlattherockshow)



Series: An Unlikely Love: Rafael & Anna [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Rafael Barba - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:41:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22191964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlattherockshow/pseuds/fancyasscheeseballs
Summary: After six months of getting to know each other -- two of them as a couple -- Anna finds herself opening up to the chance of love with the handsome ADA. Can she get him to do the same?
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Original Character(s), Rafael Barba/Original Female Character(s)
Series: An Unlikely Love: Rafael & Anna [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597711
Kudos: 18





	Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> Song: "Tale As Old As Time" from Beauty and the Beast

“Beauty and the Beast.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope,” Anna said. “I wanted to be Belle, but only because she got to live in a castle with an enormous library.”

Rafael laughed quietly at her latest confession. Although the sex was mind-blowing, his favorite part of staying the night with her was the afterglow. She would curl up next to him, tucked under his arm, head on his chest, and they would play twenty questions. After six months from their first dinner, he thought he knew everything about her, from her favorite color (cerulean) to her most precious childhood toy (a Jiminy Cricket doll from her aunt in California). But he never seemed to be able to learn everything, and he was perfectly happy with that. He didn’t want to stop exploring her. For now, he would settle for his hand exploring the curve of her back.

For Anna, the game was more about opening him up. Rafael Barba was an enigma; even his best friend, Olivia, didn’t know much about his life before the DA’s office. From the day she’d asked for his help getting into law school, Anna wanted to know more about him. At first, it was just professional—how he had gotten from the Bronx to Harvard, what made him want to be a lawyer, how he’d gotten into the DA’s office—but then, slowly, she started to see the man behind the Armani, and the more she saw, the more she wanted to see. It just so happened that he was at his most open after they made love. Among the things she had learned so far: his favorite color was green. His birthday was October 17. He was an only child, but he always wanted a sister. His eyes were the same as his father’s, which she knew didn’t please him. And—so far, her favorite thing—he loved HGTV. That was a secret he never shared with anyone before. She felt honored that he shared it with her. But something was missing, and she couldn’t tell what.

“If you could live anywhere in the world, besides the United States, where would you live?” she asked.

“Not Cuba,” he replied. She laughed. “I think I’d like to live in England. But not London. The countryside. Somewhere quiet.”

She ran her hands lazily over his chest, through the smattering of hair in the middle. Her fingers played over his Crucifix. “I could imagine that. Did I ever mention that I went to England when I was in college?”

He looked down at the top of her head. “No. Would you go back?”

She turned her head upward and laid her chin on his chest. “I’d go anywhere with you.”

His chest tightened. Occasionally, Anna would say things like that, and he never knew what to say back. He cared for her deeply. The word “love” always played at the tip of his tongue. But he didn’t know how to say it. Anna was the only one who could do that to him. So, he hedged. “What’s your favorite breakfast food?”

“Hmm.” She thought for a minute. “Pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes.”

He sat up. “What do you say we go get some chocolate chip pancakes, then?”

“It’s almost midnight, Rafael,” she laughed.

“So?” He kissed her on the forehead and grabbed her hand. “Live a little.” That was another thing only being with her could do: make him decide to get up after making love, just to get breakfast at midnight.

* * *

“Come on, Barba, you know we have probable cause to search his apartment,” Detective Sonny Carisi said. “We just need the warrant.”

Rafael rubbed the back of his aching neck. “There is no way I can get you a warrant based on what you’ve got now, which boils down to nothing more than the suspect’s prints in the victim’s house, and, considering he was delivering the Chinese food she’d ordered, it’s not unreasonable for those prints to be there. I need more,” he replied, frustrated that the newly-licensed attorney didn’t seem to recall anything from first year criminal law.

Detective Amanda Rollins came back from the break room, carrying a fresh cup of coffee for herself and also for him. He was grateful; pancakes at midnight with Anna had been a great idea in theory, but he was paying for the sleep deficit today. “What if we get DNA from the house? Something more than prints?” she asked.

“If you can find evidence that he was there longer than your typical pizza delivery guy, then I can probably work with that,” he replied. “But until then, keep digging.”

As he turned to leave, a familiar, heart-shaped face was striding into the squad room toward him. “Hey, guys,” Anna said, acknowledging the rest of the squad first.

“Anna!” Amanda exclaimed. “It’s so good to see you!”

“Hi, Detective Rollins,” Anna replied. “Long time.”

“Please, it’s Amanda. You look fantastic! How’ve you been holding up?”

“I’m good,” Anna said. “I’m actually applying to law school—fall semester, Fordham Law.”

“Oh, hey,” Carisi chimed in. “My alma mater. You need any advice, just—”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Anna said. “I’ve got all the advice I need.” She glanced over at Rafael, whose face had turned a subtle shade of pink.

Olivia smiled and laid a hand on Anna’s shoulder. “Glad you took my advice.”

Rafael cleared his throat. “I, uh, have to get back to the office now. Ms. Stein,” he said, barely acknowledging her, “I’ll see you at our next meeting?”

Anna whipped around. “I—oh. Yeah, next week. Sure.” She was taken aback, but, as Rafael had once said, she had a good poker face. After he left, there was a slightly awkward silence.

“So, Anna, what are you doing here?” Amanda asked. “Did something happen?”

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” Anna said, suddenly caught off guard. The truth was that Rafael’s office had told her he was over here, and she wanted to catch him to see if he wanted to get lunch. But she hadn’t expected him to act so coldly toward her. “I just—uh—Olivia, I wanted to see if you were free for a second. I have a question for you about…”

“The phone call we had?” Olivia offered, rescuing Anna from the situation. “Sure, let’s step into my office.”

Anna had never been as grateful for Olivia Benson as she was at that moment. They had kept in touch over the last year and a half, having coffee or lunch every so often and exchanging emails frequently. It wasn’t Olivia’s practice to develop friendships with victims, but occasionally, one reached her more than others. Anna was one of them; her resilience and determination were inspiring.

Once they were safely in the confines of the office, Olivia gestured for Anna to have a seat on the couch. She brought some tea over and sat down next to Anna.

“Thank you,” Anna said. “I was fumbling out there.”

“Do you mean with the excuse or with Rafael?” Olivia asked, a small smile on her face.

That caught Anna off-guard as much as Rafael’s attitude had. “I—what?”

Olivia cocked her head in the way she did when she already knew the answer to her own question. “I admit, I wasn’t expecting it when I sent you to see him. But you aren’t the victim you were when we met. You’re a survivor, but I think you’re ready for something more than just survival.”

“But the way he just acted out there,” Anna said, gesturing toward the squad room. “You’d never be able to tell…”

“Correction: _they_ wouldn’t be able to tell. Rafael is my closest friend.”

Anna looked at her hands. “I didn’t mean to feel the way I do,” she said sadly. “I really did go to him because I wanted advice. And he was nothing but professional, until…”

“Until you told him off,” Olivia replied, the smile on her face spreading wider.

Anna was astonished. “He told you about that?”

“Like I said, he’s my closest friend. He tried to play it off like he was just disappointed that he couldn’t have helped more. But he has a tell.”

“Oh yeah?” Anna asked, intrigued. “What’s that?”

Olivia shrugged. “He wouldn’t look me in the eye when he said it. Rafael is nothing if not direct and confident. When he doesn’t look me in the eye, I can tell he’s holding something back.”

Anna sighed. “I can feel it.”

“Feel what?”

“I can feel that he’s holding back from me. Sometimes…sometimes, I’ll say something, and he won’t respond. He’ll just move on. I know _about_ him, but I want to know _him._ ”

Olivia looked Anna straight in the eyes then. “He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it.”

Anna chuckled. “Then why did he just act like that?”

“Because he’s afraid that if he doesn’t, he’ll have to admit it to himself, and to everyone else. And that means that if it doesn’t work, he’ll have to admit he failed. That said…”

“What?”

Olivia sighed. “That said, if you want him to admit it, you’re going to have to do what you did before.”

Anna knew what Olivia meant, but she realized she was also afraid of admitting it. If she couldn’t, how could she expect Rafael to? “I get it,” she said.

Olivia smiled. “After everything you’ve gone through, you deserve to be happy. If he makes you happy, then pursue it. And if he doesn’t return those feelings, then, well…at least you’ll know. But take it from me,” she added, “don’t let the possibility of getting hurt keep you from pursuing happiness. If I had done that, I wouldn’t have my son.”

“Thank you, Olivia. For everything. Especially for sending me to him six months ago.”

Olivia stood up to let Anna out of the office. “Of course. My only other option was Carisi, and he’s a good attorney, but…”

“But he’s no Rafael Barba,” Anna finished.

* * *

Anna had called Rafael’s office to see what his schedule was for the rest of the day. She found out that he had a closing argument that afternoon, so she decided to sneak into the courtroom to observe. It had been a while since she’d watched him in his element, and she wanted to be reminded of the reason she’d fallen for him in the first place. When she entered, he was already close to the end of his summation, so she just stood in the back, close to the door.

Rafael leaned on the jury box. “The defendant in this case didn’t just ask Ms. Thornhill to dinner multiple times. He didn’t just send her flowers. He didn’t just write her love letters. He did all of these things multiple times, despite being told to stop. And when his advances were rejected multiple times, he showed up at her door. When she asked him to leave, he refused. When she threatened to call the police, he got angry. And then he put his hands around her throat and squeezed until there was no breath left in her to reject him again.

“You might be inclined to think, ‘She could have just given him a chance. What would it have hurt?’ But ask yourself this: do we want to live in a society where we tell women that they are required to give their time and energy and—dare I say—affection to someone, just to avoid being killed? And if we do tell them that, how many dates is enough? How many must she give a man before she has satisfied the requirements? Do we really want to go down that road?

“The Declaration of Independence memorializes the rights of our people to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In 1890, Justice Louis Brandeis determined that the right to life included the right to be let alone. That is all Amy Thornhill wanted; to be let alone. The defendant didn’t respect her right to life, but you can, by putting the defendant in prison. Thank you.”

As Rafael walked back to his table, he saw a flash of yellow in the back of the courtroom and knew instinctively that it was Anna. Her canary-colored coat was not exactly subtle. He felt a tightness in his chest, certain she was upset with him for how he had acted that morning. It wasn’t intentional. He wasn’t embarrassed by her. But despite the passage of time, he still did not quite believe that she was going to be around for the long-term. When she began school, she would meet all sorts of younger, more interesting men who had far more time to give her. It wasn’t an easy truth to accept, but he felt he had no other option.

After the defense’s mediocre closing, the judge adjourned for the day. Defense counsel approached him to ask to discuss a plea; apparently his client had become uneasy after Rafael’s closing argument and wanted to see if there was a deal to be made. Rafael was willing to hear him out. It was always satisfying to get a jury verdict, but juries were unpredictable. Besides, with plea deals, the defendant was admitting guilt rather than maintaining his innocence despite the opinion of twelve people in a box.

The courtroom emptied out until it was just him, Anna, and silence. She approached the front of the room and passed by the bar separating the spectators from the attorneys. “Excuse me,” he said, trying to break the tension, “but I believe only licensed attorneys are allowed up here.”

“Call me an intern.”

 _At least she’s willing to joke with me_ , he thought. “What are you doing here?”

She shrugged. “I hadn’t seen you close in a while. Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean I don’t still want to learn from you.”

He gave her a lopsided grin. “So did you learn anything?”

“Can we sit?” she asked, ignoring his question.

He nodded and gestured to one of the seats just behind the bar. They sat together, both looking at their hands. It occurred to her that she had no idea how to start this conversation. “Did you want me to come over tonight?” he finally asked. “I could make dinner.”

She shook her head. They had spent almost every night they were together in her apartment. The only time she had been to his place was the first time she had kissed him. It was like he was keeping her out—physically _and_ emotionally. “Maybe I could come to your place instead.”

“I mean…my place is a mess right now. I haven’t been home more than a couple hours a night this week.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Rafael, what are we doing here?”

He avoided eye contact. “What do you mean?”

“I mean we’ve been dating for two months, and we got to know each other for four months before that. Is this going somewhere, or—”

“It hasn’t been that long. What do you want, exactly?”

“I want…” She trailed off, trying to think of how to say it. Then, it dawned on her. “I want the guy I just watched in this courtroom.”

“What does that even mean?”

“When you’re in court? You’re honest. You’re confident. You’re _real._ I want that guy, because I think that guy is who you are. I see glimpses of him, but only after we’ve made love, and even then, it’s just what I ask about. I want to know what’s in here”—she put a hand to his chest—“because I’ve given you what’s in mine.”

He lifted his eyes, a veritable jungle of emotion, to meet hers. “I didn’t mean to act the way I did today. The problem is, I know what I’m doing in the squad room. I know what I’m doing in _this_ room,” he said, looking around. “I know how to be. I know what to say. I come prepared. But I wasn’t prepared for—for you.”

She felt tears welling in the back of her eyes but held it together. “I wasn’t prepared for you either, Rafael. But here we are anyway. I told you months ago, the stuff we expect least is the stuff that changes us the most.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then he said, “You don’t know what you’re saying. I’m—you’ll realize—it’s too soon—”

Her eyebrows drew together. “Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m saying, Rafael Barba. You asked if I learned anything today. Well, I did. I learned that there are no rules for how love works. If there were, I wouldn’t want to follow them anyway.”

He stared at her, hard, searching, eyes darting back and forth across her face. Once again, he couldn’t pull the words together. _Only Anna,_ he thought. And then he thought it again. _Only Anna._ The only words he could think. _Only Anna._

“Why me?” he finally asked, almost afraid of the answer.

Her expression softened at his whisper, and she realized that he might be the guy giving the closing argument in court, but he was also this: unable to comprehend that he was worthy of love.

She scooted closer to him and took his face in her hands. “Because even if I had a castle with a library, it wouldn’t mean anything if I didn’t have you in it with me. I love you, Rafael.”

And from somewhere deep inside himself, buried under stacks of legal briefs and former girlfriends and glasses of scotch that drowned the pain, a smile washed over his face. Maybe, he realized, he didn’t have to have the right words. Maybe he just had to spill them from his heart before he could catch them.

“I’d go anywhere with you,” he finally said. “I love you, Anna.”


End file.
